Smobriety Day 18. The craving comes and goes, especially when I finish a particularly daunting - or unwelcome - task. Frequently happens at work. Ha ha.
It's official, Nick has dropped out of school; to his credit he promptly took the GED test. Now we wait for about six weeks for the results. I still have mixed feelings about it all and despite all good intentions will continue to wonder where we screwed up. I'll probably never know.
Work continues to be a blessing/curse/confusing conundrum of politics and actual productivity. Things that I think should happen quickly, don't. Things that I think shouldn't happen so quickly, do. And everyone absolutely has to cover their collective asses. Well, ok, I do too but at least I'm not so damned obvious about it. There is no real place for idealism in corporate America. Maybe I've just become One Of Them, and cynical to boot. But the pay? It works for me.
Summer is here, practically speaking. The ambient temperature is between 89 and 100 every day, with lows around 70-75. It's the heat index that pushes it up so high. It's unbearable.
I've had weird physical things going on and now I wonder if they are connected. Clumsiness. More than the usual. Some small balance problems, mild dizziness - like Labrynthitis but fleeting. Of course, I'm always tired - I have been for some time. Motivation? Libido? What're those? Fatigue, muscle tightness, joint stiffness and pain...and, just the other day, the strangest episode of total disorientation. I was driving up the ramps in the parking garage, listening to All Things Considered. Nothing unusual. First I noticed that there were three parking spots next to an elevator where before there were no parking spots. Now, that's pretty odd, I thought. How is it possible to move an elevator and add three parking spots? Was I in the right garage? I rounded the corner and there was another elevator with three parking spots that shouldn't have been there. On one side the the garage there is an elevator with no parking spots next to it, on the other side is the elevator with the three spots. I looked out beyond the openings to locate a landmark and couldn't find one. Where the fuck was I? Was I in the right garage? I looked at the floor letters. Shit! They moved those too! I was starting to panic. Surely this wasn't right. Finally, I got reoriented. But I was scared. Terrified, actually. I figured out that somehow I thought I was on one side of the garage when I was really on the other side (just writing about it gives me the creeps!). I think. Actually, I don't know. I just know what for about 30 seconds the garage and surroundings I saw everyday had changed.
I've made an appointment with Dr. Garris. She'll know what the hell is happening.
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